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Marks Chronicles: More Shorts

THE WEAK LIST OF DAYS

There are so many lists for a four year old to learn including the months, the alphabet, counting and the days of the week. Sometimes they get confused. Joshua related the days of the week as "Sunday, ummmm Monday, Tuesday, Threesday,...". Pause and ponder this incredible correlation that would never be made by a less flexible brain.

STICKS AND STONES

There is something in human psychology that amorphously lumps together people that have a similar relationship to you. For example, I'll look Joshua right in the eye and call him Jeremiah. During one of my visits to Cleveland, my brother Ray and I decided to charge my parents 50 cents each time they called me Ray or Ray Bob (Understand?) We had to stop when it became apparent we were significantly depleting their retirement and our inheritance. My Grandmother Ormeda, with five children, eight hundred grandchildren and six million four hundred and one grand children really gets going. She'll look at my father and say "Jim, Gene, uh, Max, er ...oh, you know who you are." Connie was having similar problems recalling the name of four year old Joshua. He turned to her in disgust and, with hands on hips, said "Stop calling me names!".

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL

They say you should talk to your kids early about drugs since three fourths of students in high school have experimented with drugs at least once. I sat down with Jeremiah and Joshua and explained that drugs were offered to good people by bad people. If you take drugs, you will want to take them again and again. They make you feel good the first time, but if you keep using them, you can get really sick and die. You should, under no circumstances, ever take drugs. In the middle of my eloquence, I noticed that Joshua had drifted into la-la land and was picking at something between his toes. I decided to query him on the contents of my lecture. "Joshua", I said sternly to get his attention. "What would you do if someone offered you drugs?" He squinched up his face. "Take them again and again?" We went over it again and again until he got it right.

RADIO BATH

I love a good radio preacher. On the way home from work, I was listening to Chuck Swindall deliver a message concerning Christian stuffiness. He said that life was a big juicy seedless apple and we should take a big bite and let the juice run down our chin. Never, he said, should we be so restrained that we wouldn't throw our wife fully clothed into a swimming pool and, likewise fully clothed, jump in after her. We don't have a pool, but when I got home, the sprinkler was going in the back yard. I picked up Connie, fully clothed, and began walking towards the sprinkler - not unlike Frankenstein carrying his fainted beauty. When her fate became apparent, she began to laugh uncontrollably. She mentioned something about an accident. As the sprinkler doused us, it was apparent to all that the problem was moot. We both got soaked. The kids loved it.

PIANO PAIN

It's not what you say, but how you say it. I'll tell the boys to brush their teeth thirty six times and they ignore me. I will enthusiastically yell "Whoever gets into the bathroom first to brush their teeth gets a good sense of well being!!" and they will let no obstacle stand in the way of their goal to be in the bathroom first. After he won the race one day, I asked Joshua if he had a good sense of well being. His brow creased as he assessed his feelings. "I think so." Six year old Jeremiah was hotdogging ¨ during one of my grumpy evenings. I frowned disapprovingly and threatened "If you continue that behavior, you get ten demerits!" This scared him. "Daddy. What's a demerit?" I figured I would use the fear of the unknown. "You don't want to find out." "Is it worse than a spanking?" "Yes. Much worse." He wrinkled his forehead, looked up and thought. "You mean like a piano lesson?" I belly laughed for five minutes and was no longer grumpy. I think he knew what he was doing.

NOS MOKING

I was attempting to pull a positive response from Joshua concerning his experiences at pre-school. "What is it you like best about pre-school son?" I asked with preppy enthusiasm. He thought a minute and said "What I like best is that nobody in my class smokes". Maybe there is someone with lower tolerance for cigarette smoking than an ex-smoker: their kid.

FOOD FAVORITES

Have you ever heard that if you raise a child fairly void of junk food, that they will develop a taste for wholesome foods? I asked Joshua and Jeremiah their favorite foods in November of 1988. Jeremiah's was clam chowder and Joshua's was grapefruit. Really. I have it on video tape.

SAY WHAT? (1989)

My Dad's ears are going. Everything has to be said twice. Our phone bills from Seattle to Cleveland are double that of five years ago. Discussions about hearing aids usually digress to puns concerning acquired immune deficiency syndrome. Ormeda's hearing is going also. There is no discussing hearing aids with her. She won't hear of it. Here's a true typical situation that this condition manifests. Ormeda, Dad and Mom are at the farm in West Virginia. Mom asks Ormeda a question. Ormeda turns to Dad & said "What did she say?" Dad shrugs. "I don't know".

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT (1989)

Marilee was sitting at the bottom of the carpeted steps crying. Connie came running. "I fell down stairs!" Marilee whined. She then thought, rose, and climbed four stairs to the exact point where she had but a few minutes earlier tripped. "I try again!" And she did.

I GOT THE JOY, JOY, JOY (1990)

Two year old Marilee was asked if Jesus lived in her heart. She immediately said yes. She grabbed the bottom of the front of her shirt and lived it to her chin. "See!"